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For many the idea of paying for sex reeks of desperation, dirty old men and perhaps even a world gone wrong. But when a woman named Gemma St. Would he do it once he was married? And is it cheating, or just a way of getting sex on the side without rocking the relationship boat?

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Question: Dear Tanya, I found out my husband has been cheating on me with sex workers. Obviously I am hurt beyond belief but want to understand why, and if we can repair things? Answer: I am sorry to hear of your pain and distress at your partner's infidelity and understand that it can be a difficult thing to make sense of.

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This is a reasonably common problem. I have had many clients come to see me over the years for exactly this situation. A colleague of mine, Hilary Caldwell, has researched people who buy sex and shone some light on the subject. From her paper researching men who buy sexshe spoke to participants who said their primary relationship did not satisfy their sexual needs.

It's never just one thing, but there were themes running through the motivations.

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I will unpack some of these below. For context, I am not making any assumptions about the gender of our letter writer, or whether they are in a heterosexual or same-sex relationship. These issues arise across all kinds of relationships. When clients say this was their motivator, I ask them if they have discussed their sexual desires with their partner. Frequently there is shame when it comes to cheats for what they want. Fear of being ridiculed or judged sits deep in the heart of shame. When people fear what they don't know or understand, they can project shame onto their partner. Many would love to be able to talk to their partner about sex, but their partner can't or won't talk about it.

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A caution: it is not OK to unilaterally shut down your partner's sex life if you have not been feeling like sex or if you feel it easier to avoid sex instead of talking about it. I am not advocating for someone to have sex if they don't want to, nobody should ever feel pressured to have sex. It takes courage to have these conversations. I have seen people wanting a threesome happily choose to read each other's erotic stories instead.

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Human beings are attracted to novelty. No matter how in love we are or what type of relationship we have, we will be attracted to other people at times. We are all sexual beings. It's completely normal to feel this way and it is not being unfaithful to your partner if you find another person hot.

It's what you do about it and your relationship agreements that can get you into trouble if you act outside of consent. For some people, feeling physically cut off from their partner can put them into crisis as they have no means of expressing or communicating their love.

These folks often justify seeing a sex worker as a safer alternative than seeking intimacy with a stranger, cheats or friend. They feel it less dangerous when it's a transaction.

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They believe there is no risk of falling in love or running off with the person. This can be an indicator of disconnect in the relationship, not understanding the intricacies of desire, or simple entitlement without realising what is going on for the partner.

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In some of the more extreme cases, they haven't been interested in their partner's pleasure, just their own. On digging deeper into this reason, I often find two things at play. Communication in general is poor and almost non-existent about sex.

And, if one person in the relationship has a vulva and the other person doesn't, there can be little understanding of the arousal systems of the vulva owner and knowledge of how that person experiences pleasure during sex. That can lead to the vulva owner becoming disinterested in sex that is not pleasurable or uncomfortable.

People who have been 'tolerating' sex are less inclined to want to explore or try new things. cheats have found that people can also feign disinterest in their partner's pleasure when it's actually a fear of not knowing how to give them pleasure. For some it is not so much that their partner strayed outside of the relationship, but the fact that they were deceived.

Don't worry about what other people will think about the situation. The truth is that the situation is personal to you and your partner.

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Other people don't need to know about it and certainly have no right to foist their opinions onto you. It's unique to the two of you and it's up to the two of you to co-create a pathway to healing. A lot of people express outrage and experience shame on discovering that their partner has seen sex worker s.

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What I find fascinating in these situations is that the emphasis seems to be placed on the sex worker as the person who is somehow 'wrong' in this situation and less so on the partner. Shame centres around possibility of contracting disease from the sex worker and fear of other people finding out about it.

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It propagates the stigma of sex work. It puts the emphasis cheats the sex worker and less on the decision of the partner who made a decision to go outside the relationship. It's important to talk about it openly. By that I don't mean hurl abuse at someone for going outside of the relationship and never letting them forget it. That's not constructive. Once people move through the shock and anger, they are left with the real conversations that need to be had. Don't skirt around these. It's possible that dealing with such a difficult situation will allow you both to create a better relationship going forward.

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We acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Australians and Traditional Custodians of the lands where we live, learn and work. ABC Everyday. Print content Print with images and other media. Print text only. Print Cancel. Relationship didn't satisfy their sexual needs When clients say this was their motivator, I ask them if they have discussed their sexual desires with their partner.

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It's very common to find there has been no discussion or their partner has shut them down. It may be they struggled to put things into words or were afraid to bring it up.

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But in a relationship is it fair to talk about and deal with the issue, whatever the outcome. It's a simply that we are alive! Emotional intimacy When sex is shut down in a relationship, the connection is put under strain.

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Others may simply be missing a close physical connection. Convenience Some people see sex workers because it's easy to get what they want and when they want it. They don't want to have to wait for their partner to be in the mood for sex.

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Repair What is it about the infidelity that you are upset about? What meaning are you giving it? These are important questions to answer and to get clear in your head. Trust has been broken. The sex worker is simply offering a service. It can take much longer to heal when this distraction is thrown into the mix.

Ask questions with curiosity and listen with kindness and generosity. Acknowledge the associated emotions for both parties, don't shut them down. That's the powerful work we do in the therapy room. address.

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Posted 25 Aug 25 Augupdated 16 Dec 16 Dec Why affairs don't always mean the end for relationships. Do you follow hot people on Instagram? You could be 'micro-cheating'. Am I being unfaithful if I fantasise about other people during sex? What to do when things get routine in the bedroom.

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Being brave in the bedroom: How to ask for what you want. I'm in love with a man but worry about never being with a woman again. We watched MAFS with a relationship expert.